For my seminary class, I've been reading a book by John White entitled Parents in Pain. I am currently neither a parent nor in pain, but I found chapter 9 on relinquishment to be transforming both for my life now without children and for my future life with them. The way to give our kids freedom, the author argues, is to let them go to God. White would be the first to say that it is good to teach our children to respect their elders, to say thank you, to strive for excellence, peace in the home, etc., but far too often, we view these good things as rights instead of privileges. Often, we assume that the privileges of parenthood are rights and this is our problem. White explains that relinquishing means we are to yield, to give up, to let go of several things:
1. Forsaking the right to be proud: While you may be proud of your children and push them hard, what is your motivation in having them succeed? Is it self-serving in any way? White wisely states, "Your children were not given to you in order for you to boast. Let your boast be in God's goodness to them and to you.
2. Giving up the right to uninterrupted enjoyment of your children: Some parents always want their children close by even when they are grown, motivated by their own needs and desire to be surrounded by their children. The question again is one of motives: "Is my first concern really with their moral development or is it with my own needs?" Often, we would rather control our children so that we can enjoy them, not realizing that that control is poisonous.
3. Giving up the right to possess my children: This is the idea that you "own" your children, and will manifest itself in overly controlling parental decisions.
4. Be willing to forego any repayment for what you have done for your children: It is easy as parents to want and expect something in return for all the years of thankless caregiving we have offered our children, whether we expect them to care for us when we are older or whether we expect a simple thank you. We must give up our expectation of getting something in return for our love so that when it does come, we are fully of joy.
5. Giving up your right to uninterrupted tranquility: This one is the hardest for me. To quote White, " To have children will almost certainly mean that you will have problems. They will arise when you least expect them. They pay no heed to your plans, your convenience, your headache, your schedule, your finances....There are times when you can and should insist that your needs take priority over your children's demands. But if your peace depends on so controlling events that nothing gets out of hand but that everything remains in its place, then either you or your children are going to be in trouble." Again, domestic tranquility may be your privilege, but never your right.
6. Giving up your right to immunity from gossip: What happens when our children don't meet the approval of society's standards? What if our children shoplift or are involved in a drunk driving accident? We must forfeit our seeming need to look good to those around us and focus instead on the open, accepting arms of Jesus.
7. Allowing your children to face pain and tragedy, and allowing them to accept the consequences of their own actions: In other words, "let your children discover at an early age that fire burns." Of course, giving children responsibility happens in stages, not all at once, but do not attempt to "cover" for your teenage son or daughter or get them out of a situation for which they need to take responsibility.
White concludes, "At its heart, relinquishment is not relinquishment of your children but of delusions about your own power, the delusion that you have power to determine their destinies. I do not know what destiny whether small or great God plans for the children who most concern you. I do know that you will have more peace if you can grasp how crucial relinquishment is, how utterly safe it is to place your children in God's sure hands."
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