The deal.

So, here's the deal. This whole I'm-conflicted-over-staying-home-vs.-working-mom thing isn't new. Not to me, not to any woman. I've been thinking about it for years. And for years I've known that, if possible for our family, I wanted to stay home while my kids were little (I guess I'm not that conflicted). But there's a difference between anticipating a change and actually going through it.

No part of me questions our decision, but lots of parts of me feel unexpectedly insecure right now. Like anytime you do something new, there are those questions lies tugging at your mind: Will I be good at this? good enough at this? Will it fulfill me? Will I like it? Do I have what it takes? Do I even know what it takes? Reminds me of Abraham giving God the "But--but--but" speech when God told him to be His mouthpiece for the Israelites. My heart is "But--butting" right now, even though I know the truths in my head.

I know that I'll enjoy being a mom, that I'll, by God's grace, be good at it, that it will fulfill me (in the healthy way), that it will be meaningful and worthwhile and eternal and a great, great privilege.

But.

I also know I'll miss teaching, that there will be days when I'm not a good mom, days when I wonder if I'm making a difference, days that will feel meaningless and menial, times when I won't even like being a mom. And that's where my "But--buts" have to be answered by God's sufficiency. And there's the beauty and challenge of motherhood: We need Jesus.

So, back to the work vs. stay home debate. I've read books and articles, had countless conversations with others and myself, filled journal pages with overly-analytical reflections, and the best explanation I've found came from...wait for it...Tina Fey.

I read her book, Bossypants, back when Moo was born and in the midst of all my sleep deprivation, I remember this one part in particular. To paraphrase, Tina Fey says something like, "At the end of the day, you just have to decide what's right for you. About three times a year, I lock myself in my office and cry because I want to be home with my daughter, but I have friends who have chosen to be stay-at-home moms who, a few times a year, lock themselves in their bathrooms and cry because they want to work. One isn't any better or worse than the other. They're both hard. They're both fulfilling. You just have to be okay with the fact that, no matter which one you choose, you'll have days where you wish you weren't there."

I like how simple that is, and I like that her real point is all about contentment. In the words of Jim Elliot, "Wherever you are, be all there. Live to the hilt every situation you know to be the will of God."

So I'm learning. 

About contentment. 

About sacrifice. 

About identity. 

About God. 

And it's good.

Because He's good.

P.S. Thanks to all who took time to pass on wisdom, articles, and encouragement on this topic. Always good to feel understood and part of a community.