The hard work of being still

January was full of:

answering questions like "Why did Jesus die on the cross?"

and wiping more snot than I thought any tiny human was capable of producing 

and battling some serious seasonal depression

and not sleeping enough at all

and trying without success to get those precious children to nap at the same time

and writing a talk for one of the Bible studies at our church

and trying to make some really big grown up decisions about the future. 

So yeah. Writing's been boxed out. But I'm here today, right now, and I want to process those big, grown up decisions a bit with you. Phil and I are asking questions about moving to another house in our city--if to move, when to move, where to move, and most importantly WHY to move. And intimately wrapped up in that is the SCHOOL question--which school and, again, WHY. We're asking hard questions like: "What do we value and how are those values reflected in these decisions?" and "What is God asking of OUR family here?" (read: quit comparing) and "What's motivating these decisions?" We're touring schools and having intentional conversations with those on all sides and it's just plain hard and confusing. Add to that my background in education, and I'm deeply, deeply invested in this decision. 

I used to think that decisions would get easier as I got older because I'd be so much more experienced and wise, but it's the opposite: I know now how much I don't know, and life choices are about 500 shades of grey. We're grateful that our problem is deciding among great schools--we really are. But it's also harder because there's no clear "right" decision. They're all good options, so the issue of "which one?" is completely muddied. And the ones we're deciding among are likes apples and oranges. If were were comparing two apples, one would pretty quickly surface as a frontrunner, but comparing such different schools and philosophies makes the decision difficult. 

photo credit

You know what I'm resisting most in this process? Seeking God's face. Like really creating space in my day to be quiet, pray, meditate, lay my heart before him, seek wisdom in scripture, and listen to Him and sense the Spirit. I don't want to stop for that. I want to get going. I want to talk to other people and get advice and I want to get online and look up practical things like how far it would be from Phil's work to whatever neighborhood we moved to. Those things would at least make me feel like I was doing something. But prayer? Waiting? Listening? Stopping? That feels like nothing even though it's everything. No shortcuts. But that hard work of being still? It's worth every minute.