12 things NOT to post on Facebook

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I'munnah go ahead and say it: this post may step on your toes, so if it's a little too snarky for your taste, feel free to unfriend me. I can take it.

1. What you ate. If you're giving me a recipe idea for this week, great. But if you're telling me how healthy/beautiful/perfectly-plated/colorful/browned-to-perfection your meal is, please stop. I don't need to be reminded of how I don't measure up. And seriously, no one cares what you're eating. Just eat it and enjoy it with whoever you're with. 
2. How you scored on a buzz feed quiz. The quizzes themselves are kind of a fun escape, but if we're calling it what it is (a waste of time), then let's not waste other people's time telling them how we scored on our waste of time. 
3. What percentage your children's height and weight are. Save it for the grandparents. We love your kids, we do, but that information just isn't for your 465 Facebook friends.
4. How great your workout was. Why are you telling me this? All it accomplishes is a guilt trip for me and a big digital pat on the back for you. Working out is great; I'm just not sure why I need to know that you're doing it. Check those motives, people.
5. Along the same lines, how great your green smoothie was. Again, I don't need to be reminded how I'm not measuring up. I'm doing just fine with insecurity all by myself. 
6. Pictures of your vacation while you're on vacation. First, you're screaming "Come rob my house!" all over the World Wide Web. Second, just be present on your vacation with your friends or family. Every special moment doesn't have to be documented, and just because it's documented, it doesn't have to be shared with the Facebook world. 
7. Selfies. Please stop taking 18 pictures of yourself to find the perfect angle. Or one picture of yourself, for that matter. It sends a narcissistic message, so just stop it. 
8. Rants. There's a place for these and it's not Facebook. No one has ever convinced me of or compelled me to do anything because of their Facebook rant. In fact, I usually scroll on by when I get to that first sentence: "I usually don't say this sort of thing on Facebook, but..."
9. Vague/cryptic statements that beg a question (For example, "Ready for this all to be over" or "Wish I'd had a heads up about that one.") Don't be that person. No one wants the needy friend, and statements like that make you needy and confusing and not in a good way (if there even is a good way). Just say it. Or don't. But don't make me guess. 
10. Too many pictures of your kids. More than one a day is absolutely 100% too much. One word for those of you who just can't help yourself: Instagram. Again, I love your kids, and they're super cute, but I don't need to see more pictures of them than I see of my own.
11. The whine. It's been a bad day? Everyone's day is kinda hard, so unless yours involves something actually serious, please just tell some of your close friends and move on.
12. The unremarkable detail/story. I'm genuinely confused as to why I need to know that you're at the grocery store or that you ran into your microwave door this morning. Really, I don't get it.

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If you haven't already unfriended me, you maybe thinking, "Yikes! I shouldn't post anything on Facebook ever again lest I conjure the wrath of snarks like her!" Take heart. Here's a list of some completely acceptable posts:

• Legitimately funny stories or videos.
• Interesting and intelligent articles/blogs.
• Pictures of your kids/pets in moderation.
• A powerful quote.
• A practical question you need answered.
• A product that you're selling. (This one is controversial, but I'm okay with it.)
• A reminder about an upcoming event. (Like you're in charge of the nonprofit fun run, not your  kid's half-birthday party.)

The bottom line: let's stop documenting and sharing all our moments and just live a little.