Listening and asking: the messy business of being intentional in conversations

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"So, how are you doing, like spiritually and emotionally?" my sister-in-law asked after an hour and a half of pleasant (small talk) conversation.

The tears spilled before my words, not because I was that emotionally or spiritually undone, but because my heart had been gasping for connection like that and I didn't even know it. Before either of us said another word, I felt like I could breathe again.

Another friend recently blogged about asking questions in conversations like "What do you want to achieve?" rather than getting stuck on piddly talk of work or food or the scoop on an acquaintance. What made her suggestion even better was the challenge to help the person achieve their goal in tangible ways. But often "we're afraid of finding out a friend's goals because that opens up the dialogue around our own hopes and dreams that we are currently avoiding."

And that's the thing: intentionality in relationships is messy. costly. uncomfortable. vulnerable.

I love people who are willing to take that relational risk, though. Sure, sometimes usually an hour (or year?) of small talk needs to happen before the deeper questions can come comfortably, but we do ourselves and others a disservice if they never come. Intentional listeners and questioners ask things like:

Tell me more about why you enjoy that so much.
What do you mean by _____?
How did you come to that conclusion?
Why do you think you reacted that way?
What makes this situation particularly hard for you?
How do you typically handle situations like this?

You might know someone who says things like that. If so, spend as much time with them as possible. With any luck, you'll be among them. I know I want to be.

I'm back! Why I'm blogging again (for now)

Sometimes you need a break from the things you love to remind yourself why you love them, to have enough space to miss it. The words were becoming a burden, not the life-giving thing it was meant to be. And I know writing is a discipline and I'm going to have days when I don't feel it, but this was different. This was a season of not feeling it. So I took a break. And can I just tell you? It was one of the best decisions I've ever made as a writer.

Because now the words are back. I sense them. They're begging to come out of me and I'm willing and wanting to go through the labor of writing to birth them into the world. I'm not sure what this will look like or how often I'll be writing, but this blog's not dead, y'all. Not yet, anyway.

So, thanks for sticking it out with me and graciously giving me space to let the words rest a while. More to come!

Three Things Thursday

Thing One: Recent Moo conversation
ME: Moo, God made you a really good runner.
MOO: Yeah, He made me a good "wunner" and Noodle a good "swower" (thrower).
ME: That's right. He did make you guys good at those things. What did God make Mommy good at?
MOO: (Almost without missing a beat) Getting frustrated.

We both had a good laugh over that one!

Thing Two: Mattress update
You may recall the shenanigans we went through trying to pick out a new mattress before landing on the Saatva brand. First, the customer service was phenomenal. Second, however, I'll say that we are in the process of exchanging our mattress for their softest model. They only offer three mattresses: firm, medium (most popular and what we went with), and soft. Okay, they actually have much snappier names than that, but you get the idea. The website does a great job of describing each one and recommending certain ones for certain sleepers, but we found the medium mattress to be far too firm. Like I'm not sleeping as well as I want to kind of firm. Hoping the softer one does the trick because the mattress itself is really well made and would be comfortable if I were a back sleeper.

Thing Three: Warning: this blog might be over soon
Are blogs a thing of the past? Or are my former-blogger friends (and me) just busier with kids/life than we used to be? Because they seem like they're a thing of the past. Or maybe Instagram has killed them with the unopposed weapon of the single-picture update (no words necessary). I don't know. What I do know is that I started this thing to give myself accountability and a platform to write regularly. And I still want that. But I'm wondering if this format is working, if it's relevant, if I even want to write here anymore.

Is this a thing bloggers do? Do we threaten to run away with our backpacks and then come back in three hours because we're hungry? Again, I'm not sure. There's just a little voice in me saying, "This is it. The time has come. This thing is on it's way out." And I wanted  you to know.

12 things NOT to post on Facebook

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I'munnah go ahead and say it: this post may step on your toes, so if it's a little too snarky for your taste, feel free to unfriend me. I can take it.

1. What you ate. If you're giving me a recipe idea for this week, great. But if you're telling me how healthy/beautiful/perfectly-plated/colorful/browned-to-perfection your meal is, please stop. I don't need to be reminded of how I don't measure up. And seriously, no one cares what you're eating. Just eat it and enjoy it with whoever you're with. 
2. How you scored on a buzz feed quiz. The quizzes themselves are kind of a fun escape, but if we're calling it what it is (a waste of time), then let's not waste other people's time telling them how we scored on our waste of time. 
3. What percentage your children's height and weight are. Save it for the grandparents. We love your kids, we do, but that information just isn't for your 465 Facebook friends.
4. How great your workout was. Why are you telling me this? All it accomplishes is a guilt trip for me and a big digital pat on the back for you. Working out is great; I'm just not sure why I need to know that you're doing it. Check those motives, people.
5. Along the same lines, how great your green smoothie was. Again, I don't need to be reminded how I'm not measuring up. I'm doing just fine with insecurity all by myself. 
6. Pictures of your vacation while you're on vacation. First, you're screaming "Come rob my house!" all over the World Wide Web. Second, just be present on your vacation with your friends or family. Every special moment doesn't have to be documented, and just because it's documented, it doesn't have to be shared with the Facebook world. 
7. Selfies. Please stop taking 18 pictures of yourself to find the perfect angle. Or one picture of yourself, for that matter. It sends a narcissistic message, so just stop it. 
8. Rants. There's a place for these and it's not Facebook. No one has ever convinced me of or compelled me to do anything because of their Facebook rant. In fact, I usually scroll on by when I get to that first sentence: "I usually don't say this sort of thing on Facebook, but..."
9. Vague/cryptic statements that beg a question (For example, "Ready for this all to be over" or "Wish I'd had a heads up about that one.") Don't be that person. No one wants the needy friend, and statements like that make you needy and confusing and not in a good way (if there even is a good way). Just say it. Or don't. But don't make me guess. 
10. Too many pictures of your kids. More than one a day is absolutely 100% too much. One word for those of you who just can't help yourself: Instagram. Again, I love your kids, and they're super cute, but I don't need to see more pictures of them than I see of my own.
11. The whine. It's been a bad day? Everyone's day is kinda hard, so unless yours involves something actually serious, please just tell some of your close friends and move on.
12. The unremarkable detail/story. I'm genuinely confused as to why I need to know that you're at the grocery store or that you ran into your microwave door this morning. Really, I don't get it.

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If you haven't already unfriended me, you maybe thinking, "Yikes! I shouldn't post anything on Facebook ever again lest I conjure the wrath of snarks like her!" Take heart. Here's a list of some completely acceptable posts:

• Legitimately funny stories or videos.
• Interesting and intelligent articles/blogs.
• Pictures of your kids/pets in moderation.
• A powerful quote.
• A practical question you need answered.
• A product that you're selling. (This one is controversial, but I'm okay with it.)
• A reminder about an upcoming event. (Like you're in charge of the nonprofit fun run, not your  kid's half-birthday party.)

The bottom line: let's stop documenting and sharing all our moments and just live a little.