Hi there.

I can't say that "I'm back," but I'm here, now. Clicking keys and marking white space for the first time in over a month. The break has been good--necessary. The six weeks of sleep deprivation from the toddler with nightmares took me back to the days of having an infant; I probably shouldn't even have been driving, so writing was out of the question. But we're on the other side of the nightmares for now, and I've had a few experiences in the past month that have put a kid with nightmares into perspective, so I'm here, now.

Let's go with bullets today, just for fun. And because that's all I can do with these atrophied writing muscles. 

• Have you been watching the GOP debates? Donkey or elephant, they're simply fascinating.

  

  photo credit

• Do you know about the forced sterilization of over 60,000 men, women, and children from the 1930s to the 1970s? I couldn't believe the article I read in World Magazine this past issue. I kept telling my husband, "Did you know about this? How could this be okay for so long? or ever? Who gets to decide these things?" I'm still boiling from the injustice. Click the link above for the full article. 
• On a more light-hearted note, the offspring are hilarious, per usual. The little one, Noodle, (who's about to be TWO!), has quite the vocabulary. The other day, she stopped running and said, "Need water break, Mommy." And when I told her Daddy was at work, she said, "Aw may-un (man). I miss Daddy." Love that girl to pieces. The big (tall!) one, Moo, loves asking deep questions right as I'm walking out of his room at night: "Mom, who is God's enemy?" and "Mom, I hug you so you can have Jesus in you. I know all about Jesus, all the parts about Him. But who made Jesus?" Lord, give me wisdom! What an incredible kid.

photo credit

• And on a completely shallow note, do you know about Softsoap's Wild Basil & Lime hand soap? If you can't find me, I'll be in the kitchen washing my hands so I can smell them. 

Six days you shall be sick, and on the seventh, leave your house!

I went to the grocery store yesterday and realized that it was the first time I'd left my house in SIX DAYS. Holy. Freaking. Cow. I was going to leave several times, but then someone else threw up or I was too nauseated or I needed to sleep.

Six days, y'all. That's recluse material right there.

But as of (maybe) today, I think we're all well. Finally. The last few weeks have felt like a few months, and like I've been living in some alternate universe where we're the only family left on earth and my earth has shrunk to the size of my living room because that's where all the towels and trashcans have been gathered.

I've felt under God's thumb since Christmas, feeling like I can't catch break from sleeplessness or sickness or just plain hard days.

I feel absolutely afflicted.
But not crushed.
Completely perplexed by why all this would be happening so unrelentingly.
But not driven to despair.
(2 Corinthians 4:8-10)

Not much has gotten easier and circumstances aren't drastically different, but it's the strangest thing. In the affliction, I keep sensing the kindness of God. Not some sick sadistic "God's-pain-is-good" or a trite sweep, "God is teaching me so much through this hardship." It's more that I've sensed in small ways that while He hasn't taken away my difficulties, He also hasn't abandoned me. In fact, He's done the opposite: He's been holding me close. Our quarantine has brought depth and repentance to my marriage, simple, restful days and schedules, lots of opportunities for reflection and desperation, an opportunity to show myself needy to those around me, and sweet (albeit) sick time with my kiddos. And, in the Great Plan, Phil happened to be off this past week--something we eye-rolled back in November when he had to take this random vacation week. Silly us.

So I'm fragile, but sustained, and promise I'm done whining about sickness, at least this go-around. I have had a life. I've read a book! My kids have said/done hilarious things! I got hit on at the gym! Good stuff. But six days at home sick and my brain is still getting up to speed. Soon, people. Soon.

The best gift anyone has ever given me, ever.

The man at the front desk must have wondered what my story was--a woman in her mid-thirties with bags under her eyes so big you could fit your keys in them, checking into a hotel at 1:30 in the afternoon by herself. Surely they do that, guess people's stories. I know I would. Worst case scenario, I would have pegged me as an abused woman looking for a safe place until I figured out the next step. Best case, I was an intriguing writer, looking for solace to write my next piece. I wouldn't have pegged me for what I was: an exhausted mama who could hardly string a sentence together she was so tired.

For months, I'd rearranged and organized and planned to be out of town for a conference for three days. My mom would drive in from a few hours away to help with the kids since Phil was working part of the time, I'd cooked meals ahead of time to make it easy for everyone, and I'd spent at least an hour typing up specifics of childcare to make a smooth transition. For about six weeks leading up to this trip, nothing has felt easy. We've had sick kids and I've been sick and had weird ailments and one child has genuine nighttime fears and the other child is cutting five teeth at once and we're all sleep-deprived in a way I could only compare to having an infant. Even the weather tried to keep me from going (my mom wasn't sure if she'd be snowed in or not), but the stars aligned and we had a window where it looked like I could go and all the details would fall into place.

Until 4:00 a.m. on the morning I was supposed to leave. Moo woke with his first ever ear infection, which meant I needed to take him to the doctor, which meant I wasn't going to make it to the conference on time. No problem; I'd just get there late. But then came the vomit in the car seat on the way home from the doctor. Thank God my mom was there to help watch Noodle while I cleaned the boy and every other surface of my house and car. With a tearful goodbye, I sent Mom home, grateful for her coming but not wanting to get her sick. My heart sunk a little, but I could still leave the following morning when Phil got home and make the second half.

But with one child waking from a fever all night and another screaming from teething pain, I got a grand total of three hours of sleep last night. Going to that conference wasn't looking likely anymore; I wasn't even awake enough to safely be behind a wheel.

My heart sank. A lot. All that planning and orchestrating--for what? Obviously, sick kids are worth missing something for--it wasn't that. It was that I felt like I'd done all this work and spent all this time on something that would have no fruit--or rotten fruit, whichever analogy you want. I wanted to know why this was all happening; it just didn't seem fair. And really practically, I just needed some sleep and a break from being needed at all hours of the day and night. I'd held on for weeks, but I was about to break.

It wasn't long before Phil suggested that I get a hotel in town for the afternoon and all night while he watched the kids. The thought thrilled me but was quickly met with guilt: I can't leave the kids. I can't leave him with sick kids. That's so indulgent of me. But he wouldn't have it, and as I began to wrap my head around the reality of so many hours to myself to do whatever its was that was life-giving, my heart lightened rather than sunk. So I was sent away with a kiss, leaving the kids in the most able hands of their daddy and looking at a day and night to myself. I don't think I've had this much time to just to myself since I had kids.

As an introvert, I know time by myself and away is vital for me, but I didn't realize just how "by myself" I needed to be, and for how long sometimes. My tendency is to take alone time and be productive with it or invite others into it rather than protect it; I've fooled myself into thinking that protecting it is selfish, and while it can be, it hasn't been yet.

So I resisted being productive (working out, running errands) and opted for the harder discipline: pulling away, being quiet, being totally and completely alone. I almost didn't go to Starbucks for coffee and writing because I didn't want to leave the cocoon, but I figured it might not be good for me to be in a hotel room for 18 straight hours (and love it).

I took a shower so stingy hot and long that my skin pinked and pruned.

I ate lunch and dinner in bed and didn't have to make or clean up after it.

I took a perfect nap.

I binge-watched Jimmy Fallon and SNL on breaks from writing.

Because I wrote. For hours. It was like electricity.

I blocked out fantom cries and soaked in silence; I barely talked.

And my legs haven't been this smooth in a month.

I feel taken care of and rested and a little bit more human. This is absolutely the best gift anyone has ever given me, ever. There's a whole other spiritual side to this story, but I'll have to share that later because this day began 17 hours ago and it's time for this tired mama to sleep through the night.

12 things NOT to post on Facebook

photo credit

I'munnah go ahead and say it: this post may step on your toes, so if it's a little too snarky for your taste, feel free to unfriend me. I can take it.

1. What you ate. If you're giving me a recipe idea for this week, great. But if you're telling me how healthy/beautiful/perfectly-plated/colorful/browned-to-perfection your meal is, please stop. I don't need to be reminded of how I don't measure up. And seriously, no one cares what you're eating. Just eat it and enjoy it with whoever you're with. 
2. How you scored on a buzz feed quiz. The quizzes themselves are kind of a fun escape, but if we're calling it what it is (a waste of time), then let's not waste other people's time telling them how we scored on our waste of time. 
3. What percentage your children's height and weight are. Save it for the grandparents. We love your kids, we do, but that information just isn't for your 465 Facebook friends.
4. How great your workout was. Why are you telling me this? All it accomplishes is a guilt trip for me and a big digital pat on the back for you. Working out is great; I'm just not sure why I need to know that you're doing it. Check those motives, people.
5. Along the same lines, how great your green smoothie was. Again, I don't need to be reminded how I'm not measuring up. I'm doing just fine with insecurity all by myself. 
6. Pictures of your vacation while you're on vacation. First, you're screaming "Come rob my house!" all over the World Wide Web. Second, just be present on your vacation with your friends or family. Every special moment doesn't have to be documented, and just because it's documented, it doesn't have to be shared with the Facebook world. 
7. Selfies. Please stop taking 18 pictures of yourself to find the perfect angle. Or one picture of yourself, for that matter. It sends a narcissistic message, so just stop it. 
8. Rants. There's a place for these and it's not Facebook. No one has ever convinced me of or compelled me to do anything because of their Facebook rant. In fact, I usually scroll on by when I get to that first sentence: "I usually don't say this sort of thing on Facebook, but..."
9. Vague/cryptic statements that beg a question (For example, "Ready for this all to be over" or "Wish I'd had a heads up about that one.") Don't be that person. No one wants the needy friend, and statements like that make you needy and confusing and not in a good way (if there even is a good way). Just say it. Or don't. But don't make me guess. 
10. Too many pictures of your kids. More than one a day is absolutely 100% too much. One word for those of you who just can't help yourself: Instagram. Again, I love your kids, and they're super cute, but I don't need to see more pictures of them than I see of my own.
11. The whine. It's been a bad day? Everyone's day is kinda hard, so unless yours involves something actually serious, please just tell some of your close friends and move on.
12. The unremarkable detail/story. I'm genuinely confused as to why I need to know that you're at the grocery store or that you ran into your microwave door this morning. Really, I don't get it.

photo credit

If you haven't already unfriended me, you maybe thinking, "Yikes! I shouldn't post anything on Facebook ever again lest I conjure the wrath of snarks like her!" Take heart. Here's a list of some completely acceptable posts:

• Legitimately funny stories or videos.
• Interesting and intelligent articles/blogs.
• Pictures of your kids/pets in moderation.
• A powerful quote.
• A practical question you need answered.
• A product that you're selling. (This one is controversial, but I'm okay with it.)
• A reminder about an upcoming event. (Like you're in charge of the nonprofit fun run, not your  kid's half-birthday party.)

The bottom line: let's stop documenting and sharing all our moments and just live a little. 

Mattress buying 101

The mattress we sleep on is at least 20 years old, and while it's not necessarily causing us any discomfort, it just seems like it's time. I mean, who really knows the lifespan of a mattress anyway? One website told me "2-20"years. Thanks for that. My arbitrary rule (before doing any research) for determining whether not we needed a new one: take the average number of years you're supposed to replace mattresses and double it. If ours was significantly over that, it'd be time.

Turns out, the average mattress lifespan is 6-8 years (according to the people who want to sell you mattresses), so taking the higher end of that and doubling it, our mattress is way past its prime. My guess is that, while we're aren't particularly uncomfortable on our mattress, any new mattress would feel better; we don't know what we're missing.

photo credit

Thus, we began our research phase. We watched a short Consumer Reports video, read multiple online reviews and explanations, and even went into a couple of mattress stores to lie down on plush mattress after plush mattress. The verdict? It's a crapshoot. Some say coils are just as good as foam; others say foam is the way of the future and the best out there. Some are advertised as "firm" but really aren't and others are advertised as soft but are firm. There are no standard terms in the mattress biz, so two mattresses can sound completely different even though they're essentially the same mattress, which confuses the heck out of us consumers who are just trying to get a good night's sleep.

And then there are the names for the mattresses.

• "Beautyrest Recharge Palisades Court Luxury Firm Pillowtop"
• "Serta IComfort Brilliant EFX Luxury Plush Mattress"
• And other variations including words like "Rhapsody, "Cloud," "Symphony," "Majesty," "Crystal City," "Lily-Rose," and "Lux Estate." 

If they're trying to do the whole "Use-wealthy-words-so-I-believe-this-mattress-will-make-me-feel-rich-and-important," then they've used the wrong ad technique on me. I can't even make it through the mouthful of adjectives. Sheesh. 

The bottom line: No one really knows host to decipher the mysteries of the mattress world, so lie down on several and pick the one you like. End of story. 

Okay, a few addendums (helpful hints we picked up along the way):

1. Never pay more than 50% of the original price. Mattresses go on sale all the time, so wait for the sale.
2. Unless a video game character jumped out of the TV and slashed your mattress to pieces with a machete, mattress buying isn't an emergency. Wait for the deal.
3. Check return policies carefully; mattresses can be a pain to return.

Fast forward a week and a half of researching (many thanks to Phil, who made this new mattress his mission). WE'VE FOUND A MATTRESS! It's a Saatva mattress and is actually online. Sounds shady, I know. I mean, we haven't even tried it out. BUT. Just watch this video and tell me you don't love it. It's a four-year-old mom and pop company. It's rated "best mattress" in Google searches and multiple independent mattress review sites. It has an incredible (unheard of, really) return policy. There's almost 100% customer satisfaction. It makes mattress buying easy and straightforward (thank you!). It's half the cost of comparable mattresses you can buy in a store because it cuts out a lot of middle men.

The mattress should be at our house in the next 8-18 days, so I'll let you know the official verdict, but we're ready to sleep on clouds! 

Back in the saddle

For a while there I wasn't writing because I was just surviving. Like trying to sleep and eat enough in a day kind of surviving. The last couple of weeks I haven't been writing because I've been living again.

Got my hair cut (it had been 6 months).
Got a massage (thank you, Groupon and husband!)
Had dinner with my sweet cousin who's a JAG officer and about to move to Japan for three years.
Went on a day date with Phil where we went hiking followed by steaks at Outback.
Read a book.
Made a bunch of new recipes (and liked most of them).

But I may have overestimated my new-found energy because I also found myself signing up for a 5K and signing up to teach preschool VBS again this year. Wha???

Just to be clear, I haven't trained at all for the 5K and it's two weeks away. Honestly, I'm pretty out of shape. Remember those months of survival? Yeah, they didn't include working out. But my friends can get me to do just about anything if they say the magic words "I really need someone to do this with me," so here I am, showing up as a friend. Okay, okay, it's not just being a friend, although running with a buddy is definitely more fun. I actually kind of want to run. It's a good goal. A good cause. And I keep telling myself that as long as I go slow enough, I can run the whole thing. I'll let you know how that theory works out once I actually start training. Tomorrow, I think, sounds like a good day to run. Maybe.

I'd like to think this is how I'll look:

But let's be honest. It'll probably be a lot more like this guy:

It's cool, though. I get a free T-shirt of out of it and can say things like, "I can't do that on Saturday morning. I have to run a 5K." (For our purposes, we'll use the term "run" to mean anything from being carried to walking to jogging.)

Coming up soon:

• Noodle turns 6 months
• Moo's hilarious moments
• Easter reflections

Three Things Thursday

Thing One: Noodle is 5 months old!
This girl has my heart, y'all. She's smiley, sensitive, content, and squealy.  She's rolling over and has started solids this week, pounding down food like it ain't no thang. Here she is with her lovey, Hops:

Thing Two: I'm just plain old!
Last night I went to a play at my alma mater, and for the first time really felt the time warp my mom always talked about: how you feel like you lived there yesterday and an eternity ago all at the same time.  Like I belonged and I really, really didn't.

Exhibit A:
I belonged: the play was in a building where I had lots of classes, so I knew my way around.
I really didn't belong: the play started at 9:00 p.m. (my current bedtime).

But it was pretty great to be out past my bedtime, to throw caution (and sleep) to the wind and do something for myself with friends without kids. I drove home at 11:00 p.m. and actually thought about going to do something else...because I could. Two hours on a college campus and I was already thinking I could just go do something at 11:00 p.m. Ha. But I didn't. I drove home and went to bed because my little alarm clocks like to rise and shine before the sun. Totally worth it, though.

Thing Three: This recipe is new! And yummy!

Rachel Ray's Chicken-and-Spinach Tortilla Bake. This is my new add-it-to-the-regular-rotation recipe. It's easy. It's quick. It's healthy (mostly). It's delicious. And it's easy to double and freeze half for a busy night in the future. Win-win-win-win-win. I've had the recipe for years, but I came across it the other week and realized I'd never made it; we've eaten it twice since. My tweaks:

• I used shredded cheddar or monterey jack cheese because I didn't have pepper jack 
• I used an 8X8 pan, so I could only fit two layers of ingredients instead of three
• To make the recipe even simpler, I either boiled chicken breasts or used rotisserie chicken 
• For kid-friendly veggies, I chopped the spinach instead of leaving the leaves whole

Thing bonus: Stomach bug update

Despite our best efforts, the stomach bug did find Phil and me. So glad that week of my life is over. Whew.

What happens when you stay inside for lots and lots of days (besides going a little crazy)

My son is proving that buying our house was a phenomenal investment. Since the weather's been so cold and either he or Noodle is napping most of the day, we've spent a LOT of time inside this winter. The result? Mess and creativity.

Right now I'm typing on the couch--the one area of my living room not taken over by things like a sheet tent, a broom propping up a firetruck, and cars, cars, cars. No crevice has gone unexplored in this place. Drawers have been opened, furniture moved, cabinets emptied, closets ransacked, and beds unmade so the egg crate underneath can be a "bumpy road" for cars, cars, cars.

And as much as I hate having been quarantined to my home for so many days and weeks, here's what I love: creativity is squeezed to the surface. We're doing things we never would have done if we'd gone places. We're making our own windmills with paper and a pencil eraser. We're baking more. We're playing with every. single. toy. We're looking for new ways to use old things. We're pretending more. And it's really, really good.

That being said, I'm just a smidge excited that the forecast says we'll be in the mid-sixties this time next week. Hallelujah!

Three Things Thursday

*Disclaimer: I know it's not Thursday, but most of this was written on Thursday, so it counts. :)

Thing One: easy feta-veggie quiche

photo credit

This quiche is all kinds of awesome and perfect for those little bits of veggies you have left behind in your veggie drawer that aren't quite enough for anything. The great thing about this recipe is that you can change out whatever veggies you have on hand for the ones it calls for. I would recommend a deep dish pie crust and a little extra salt and pepper, but other than that, this recipe is delicious as is! Add some red peppers to all your greens and it's really pretty!

Thing Two: Nosefrida Snotsucker

photo credit

Y'all. This is going to sound like just about the grossest thing you've ever heard, but IT WORKS. Nothing gets baby/toddler (adult?) boogers out better. Straight from Sweden, land of neutrality and booger-sucking. I promise zero snot gets even close to your mouth, but even if it did, there's a spongey blocker, so it's all clean.  But yes, you actually suck snot out of your kid's nose by sucking in air through a tube. Totally gross. Totally works. I was a complete skeptic and now I want to buy one for all my mommy friends. Worth the money, and it's on Amazon Prime, so what's not to love?

Thing Three: Noodle is 3 months old!
She has my heart. You know that deep, wordless wonder? We have that, she and I. She's laid back, cuddly, patient, long-suffering (think: Moo gives her cars to play with all day long and sometimes throws her balls expecting her to catch them), lovely, expressive, and sensitive but has a voice. Here's her with her lovey, Hops:

Oh yeah. We bought a car.

In the midst of running the Johnson infirmary over here, I forgot to mention that we also had to buy a car right after Christmas. Fun times. We had it coming. You might recall my little deal with my beloved 1999 Sentra. Well, it was in the shop twice in two weeks before Christmas, and we were starting to put more money into it than it was worth, so it was time to move on.

Everyone's all "You got a new car!" and "Wow--big Christmas for you!" and yes, we're excited to own a car that isn't from the 90's, but we weren't wanting to buy a car just yet, so we weren't exactly summersaults and rainbows over here about it. (Okay, Phil might have been doing a few summersaults over it.) That Sentra saw me through pretty much my entire adult life and reminds me of quality make out sessions with Phil, road trips to all over, and milestones like driving to my first job. I'll miss it, but would take a reliable car over a sentimental one any day. That being said, we're so, so grateful for the new car (a Honda Pilot, or "Pilot car,"* as Moo calls it) and also glad we sold the Sentra to a sweet lady who needed it.

So today when Phil was post-call I got to go to the DMV. I'm not being sarcastic when I say "got." I've been cooped up with two sick kids for weeks, often without a car because one of ours has been in the shop. So, while everyone else there was cursing under their breath and complaining about paperwork, long lines, and "Mexicans"** (I kid you not), I was Pollyanna. I got to read two Cooking Light magazines from November and December that hadn't had time to read. I got to return texts and emails uninterrupted. I got to be around other adults. It was all kinds of awesome. 

And let's be honest: the DMV is great for people watching. One lady was registering SEVEN cars, claiming she "has too many kids and her husband likes to collect cars." Uh huh. Another guy was registering a trailer and the woman behind the desk had to ask if it was one he lived in or just one he pulled behind a car. Only in Alabama. 

On my way to the DMV, I braced for the worst, but hoped for the best and came out right in the middle, finishing up in just over two hours. I thought the 17-degree morning might keep some people indoors, but I guess others had the same idea.  

In a sick, backwards kind of way, I was expecting (wanting?) Phil to experience a slice of my life for the past two weeks, which has included a very whiney, discontent toddler and a very fussy, unpredictable infant. What he got was paradise. The toddler was pleasant, creative, and silly. He read books in his room by himself for 30 minutes ("Read by self. Daddy go in living room," he said after Phil asked to read with him), and then he PUT HIMSELF DOWN FOR A NAP. He has NEVER done either of those things. Ever. Phil walked in to check on him and there he was asleep on his chair with a book in his lap. Here's the picture Phil sent me:

With a high of 21 degrees, it was a stay inside in your PJs kind of day.

Noodle, while not a champion daytime sleeper, was happy and cooing. Basically, for two hours my kids were angelic creatures that you only read about in books, and Phil was able to eat lunch uninterrupted by himself while both kids were awake. How does that even happen? I think he must have slipped something into their milk. Good for him, though, right? The kids must have sensed my presence when I returned because they were both up within the hour. But I was a better mom this afternoon because I got to go away by myself for two hours, even if it was 17 degrees and I was at the DMV. 

*The day we bought the new car, Moo spent an hour just playing in it and cried when we made him come inside because it was getting dark. I'm pretty sure he was more excited about it than anyone else in the family!

**A word about the guy next to me complaining about "the Mexicans." I wish I had thought fast enough to tell him my husband was from Mexico. Sometimes a little lie is worth it. Instead, I just told him to "watch it," which was pretty great too since he was twice my size and age. 

My very first Christmas tree farm experience

The years we had a real tree growing up, we bought it from Lowe's or the grocery store or something a little less romantic than a tree farm. Phil, on the other hand, grew up chopping down his own tree at the tree farm and decorating it with twinkling white lights like they do in movies.

For the past seven years, we've had a fake tree that's a step up from the Charlie Brown tree but leaves something to be desired, as I tried my best to sprawl out the branches enough to cover up the center pole. We were both working and didn't have time to keep a real tree alive, but this year Phil decided it was time to go the tree farm route. I didn't put up a fight.

So, off we went to a little tree farm not far from us. Here's an overview:

Even though it was an overcast day, I'd say everyone had a good time. Phil got his manhood on by chopping down a tree, Moo got to see a real reindeer, I got to experience a tree farm for the first time, and our little Noodle thought being outside was just about the greatest place she could imagine. Merry Christmas to all!

Three Things Thursday

Quick update: No baby yet and nothing new to report on that front since last week, so still a waiting game over here.

photo credit

Thing one: shows I'm watching (impressions in 3ish words)
Brooklyn Nine-Nine (hilarious, Andy Samberg, cop show)
The Mindy Project (funnyfunnyfunny)
Parenthood (heart-warming, drama, interesting story lines)
Modern Family (Phil and Claire = Phil and Cara)
New Girl (unique characters, quirky, Zoe)
The Biggest Loser (life change, inspiring)

Thing two: new recipe of the week
These applesauce cinnamon pancakes. Yum. (And still yum after freezing!)

photo credit

Note: I didn't make the cinnamon syrup that goes with it, but I'm sure it's delicious. The pancakes themselves were fluffy and had just the right blend of ingredients. Will probably be my new go-to pancake recipe.

Thing three: speaking in sentences
Moo has started saying 5-6 word sentences, and it should come as no surprise that his first sentence was about trucks: "Excavator scoops dirt in dump truck." Yes, yes it does. Smarty pants.

Also, he refers to himself as "Mike-me," which I just love, don't you?

Keepin' it real

If you need to feel a little better about yourself today, you've come to the right place. Every now and then (or more), I think it's good for all of us that I give you a good dose of reality around here (humility for me, humor for you).

So I'm going to show you my legs in all their roadmap glory.

But first I'm going to remind you of what my legs looked like last pregnancy. Remember these lovelies?

 I gained 9 pounds in one week toward the end of my pregnancy and my doctor was like, "Girl, that just doesn't happen unless you're retaining some crazy amounts of water." And I was like, "Yeah. Tell me about it."

So that was fun.

This time--gratefully--I've had no swelling. Can I get an hallelujah? I'm gaining weight like a regular pregnant person, am able to squat down, wear normal maternity pants, see my ankles and knees, and sit Indian style (excuse me: "criss-cross apple sauce"--whatever). It's divine.

Almost.

This time (bless the precious baby girl inside me) my veins have decided they're tired and have had enough and are going to explode everywhere. I've spent the summer in maxi dresses and workout pants so that the general public doesn't think I've been abused. Don't believe me? Here ya go:

Told you you'd feel better about yourself. (I'm having one of those "Am I actually going to hit 'publish' when I'm done writing this?" moments. Sheesh, those pictures are awful.)

ANYway, I know you have questions so let me address them:

• No, my legs will not always look that way; lot of those spider veins will go away after I have the baby. At least that's what I've been told.
• No, my legs will never look normal again without some serious vein specialist help. 
• Yes, they are painful. But not nearly as uncomfortable as being swollen. Seriously, I'd take this anytime over that again.
• Yes, those really are my legs. Ask Phil. I made him do the photo shoot so I could share my lovely lady legs with all of you. 

So, there you have it. The self-sacrifice starts long before the babe ever enters the world, but it's worth it. And lest you think I'm posting this to gripe and get sympathy, please know that I'm not. I just think it's real and ugly and beautiful and oh-so-much-better than last time and I wanted you to know just how human I am--right down to my insecurities about turning into a Smurf one vein at a time.

And for those who are wanting an updated preggy pic, this one's for you (35 weeks):

Three Things Thursday

Thing One: Unbroken

photo credit

Y'all, this book is fabulous. I know I'm a nonfiction junkie and that you might not be drawn to a true story about a WWII POW survivor, but I'm telling you: you want to read this book. Some friends have criticized it for being overdone or falsified, but even if 20% of it is made up (and I don't think it is), the 80% that's true is one of the most moving stories of humanity's darkness and resilience that I've ever read.

Thing Two: Recipe win

photo credit

Looking for a simple (we're talking FIVE ingredients) end-of-summer dish? Try Cooking Light's Halibut with Bacony Corn Saute. Does the word "Halibut" scare you? It's okay. Do like I do and substitute tilapia, which is really mild and less expensive. Don't have green onions on hand? Do like I do and substitute whatever onion you have in your pantry. And trust me: this meal tastes like a lot more than five ingredients. I'll definitely be making it again.  

photo credit

Thing Three: my latest favorite app
Y'all probably know all about this app because you joined the Smartphone world when normal people did instead of waiting until a few months ago like me. But. A friend recently recommended Aviary. It's a photo editing app that makes your pretty good pictures look pretty dang amazing. I'll prove it to you on some upcoming posts!

Speaking of upcoming posts, I realize I've been a little absent lately, but I DO have some posts in the works, so stay tuned! Topics include the home makeover we did the other week (nursery pics included), pictures of my legs this pregnancy (I think it'll be a theme for all my pregnancies. You won't want to miss it!), and an update on all the hilarious and irresistible things Moo is doing these days. 

Three Things Thursday

photo credit

Thing one: why I've been away.
Truth moment. Part of why I've been such an inconsistent blogger lately is because, after over a year of catching up on the show, I finally finished watching every season of Friday Night Lights. Laugh. Roll your eyes. Do whatever you need to do to pass judgement on me for this, but y'all. It's such a great show. And the second half of that last season just baited me and I had to watch it instead of blog because I'd spent some serious time with those characters and needed to know where their lives were going. You understand, right?

Thing two: magazine I love.

photo credit

Last Christmas, my in-laws gave me a subscription to World Magazine and let me tell you: I'm loving it. Since I can't handle the worst-case-scenario nature of the news and I don't love reading my news online, this bi-weekly magazine is a great option for me. I can read it at my leisure, catch up on world news, and see some incredible pictures. While the magazine is from a Christian perspective, I'm impressed overall with the breadth of the coverage and the quality and balanced reporting of the writers.

Thing three: why decorating is NOT my thing.
We've been slowly converting our guest room into a nursery for Baby Girl. Right now, it just has a really great rug with a mattress on it that Moo likes to do flips on. Pretty much his dream room. Except that it's going to be his sister's (whom he's now calling "Sissy"--quite the upgrade from "Backseat").

It seems like women are expected to be able to do all things domestic--like it's in our DNA or something. Not so, people. Decorating, for example, is not my thing. As in what little I know comes from a few magazine articles, pining after everything at Pottery Barn, and asking my friends a million questions. So the idea of re-doing a room is daunting and, honestly, not fun for me. I'd rather spend my time on lots of other things. In fact, I'd rather pay someone to decorate for me, but I'm too cheap for that, so I'm stretching myself and trying to figure out this whole decorating a room thing on my own. Thanks to some sweet friends for their input, I'm making headway, but ready to be done. All I've decided on are the rug and curtains, but those are the biggest commitments to me, so I can work around that for the rest. Here's what I've got so far (pic on bottom is curtain pattern):

photo credit

photo credit

If you're one of those people who likes to decorate and you happen to be my friend, I won't stop you if you want to give me advice or help. :) Just don't tell me you don't like what I've already chosen because that's already happened. Moving on.

Three (New) Things Thursday

New Thing One: haircut
What began as a trim turned into four inches, but I'm okay with it, actually. Kind of a nice summer change and I'm enjoying how fast my hair dries. No picture yet since my hair is in a ponytail almost every day. If I tweeted I'd say: #lifewithatoddler #notworthit #runningaroundoutsideallday.

New Thing Two: iPhone
Yes, we've finally joined the 21st century in the Johnson home! Thanks to old flip phones that were dropping calls and dying quickly, and thanks to free upgrades to iPhones, and thanks to years of friends nagging us, we made the jump. Of course, there's no turning back. And we love them. And we have to be careful about how much we turn to them in times of boredom or what have you. And they're wonderful. Did I already say that? Seriously. 

New Thing Three: Zucchini Mini Muffin recipe (Cooking Light, May 2013)
Y'all. I want to eat these every day of my life. They're that good. Best of all, besides a zucchini, which I don't have on hand regularly, the rest of the ingredients are probably in your pantry...or your neighbor's pantry. I didn't have a mini muffin pan, so I just made them the regular size (makes 8-9) and baked them for 5 minutes longer than the recipe called for. I also added carrots when I made them for the second day in a row because I didn't have enough zucchini left. I think I liked them even better with the carrots added. If I were you, I'd go ahead and double or triple this recipe. Eight muffins lasts exactly eight hours at our house.

No time for words

Lots of blog posts in my head but no time to write now (no time to use subjects or verbs in my sentences, apparently). So, here's our month in pictures to hold you over for another week. Enjoy!

Love that face.

Workin' the sunglasses.

Eating his favorite snack: crackers and cream cheese

Pre-church play time

Such a little man.

My two favorite boys.

We DO love a good smoothie at our house!

Using his "dig-dig" with Daddy.

Scored this classic vacuum at a consignment sale!

Ready for the beach with two of his favorite people!

Can't get enough of this boy.

The best Easter pic we could get. He wasn't happy that we wouldn't let him play on the wet swing set, and no, my hair isn't that short; it's just sitting funny. But I kind of like it. Thoughts?

Three Things Thursday

Thing preface:
Between a nasty cold and allergies, I've been swimming in Kleenex and sleeping only thanks to Benadryl. But I'm better and my head doesn't feel so foggy, so I'm back and here goes:

Thing one:
The UPS store is amazing. I don't remember the last time I walked in one, but I had something to ship through them this week and within seconds of entering, I was offered a bottle of water (why yes, thankyouverymuch) and noticed they had Legos for kids to play with. Add to that some helpful, kind employees and yes, I will be using them again.

Thing two:
I finished the Hunger Games series in about two weeks. Good stuff. Can't believe it took me so long to get on the bandwagon, but I finally did. Everyone said the last book was their least favorite, and I have a feeling it had to do with the fact that Katniss doesn't end up with the guy they wanted her to, but my problem with the last book was that it got a little too Sci-Fi for me. Seems like all my well-educated, well-rounded, ultra-witty English professor buddies can't get enough Sci-Fi, but it's just not for me. Maybe it was all the Star Trek episodes I watched with my dad when I was little, but futuristic alien space explosions make me the opposite of excited. That being said, I lost half a night's sleep finishing Part III of Mocking Jay, so clearly it wasn't all bad. :)

Thing three:
Between watching Argo (incredible, based-on-a-true story movie) and reading American Sniper (fascinating memoir of America's #1 sniper), I'm apparently going through a shoot-'em-up phase. In tune with the good guys, the bad guys, and how to take the bad guys down, I'm more and more grateful to live in a country and on a street where violence is not normal. 

Forced Internet fast (and how I survived it)

Our Internet stopped working two days ago,  so after spending nearly an hour (seriously???) on the phone with a very nice lady named Sophie at AT&T, I had another modem shipping to me in a day or two.

No problem, right? 

Wrong.

I'm embarrassed to tell you how much I missed my link to the outside world. It's not that I spend hours and hours on the computer all day, but what I realized in its absence is that I spend spare moments throughout the day checking my email, reading blogs, looking on Facebook for five minutes. And all those little minutes add up. And distract me.

I was amazed at how much I accomplished and how many worthwhile things I did when the Internet wasn't an option. I wrote five letters one afternoon. I read World Magazine. I cleaned my house and put things away that had been sitting around so long I didn't even see them anymore. I cooked dinner ahead of time so actual dinnertime wasn't so hectic. I worked out. 

It was almost magical. 

We have Internet back now, but our wireless isn't set up yet, so I'm writing this from the hardwood floor of our guest room where our Ethernet cable is. And it's sort of wonderful having the Internet available but not easily accessible. It's forcing me to do what I wanted to do after reading Jen Hatmaker's book 7, which was to set aside a certain time in my day for the computer and not touch it the rest of the day. Clearly, it took a mandatory break for me to do this and realize the benefits, and I'm hoping this is the kick start I need to quit dabbling all day online and make space for REAL things in life. 

Three Things Thursday

Thing one:
Twice in the last week I've mistaken a little boy for a little girl; once I put my foot in my mouth about it.  To my credit, though, both boys were in bubble onesies with cable knit off-white sweaters buttoned only at the top button. Sorry to all you truly, truly Southern women out there, but those outfits just screamed GIRL. I know I grew up in the South too, but honestly, I don't get the whole dress-a-boy-like-a-girl thing.  I'm not into smocked clothes, bubble onesies with high socks, sailor suits, monograms or lacy collars on boys. Southern blasphemy! But it's true. To each his (or her) own, but I like my boy to look like a little man. I like him a little dirty with worn spots on his knees where he's been playing too hard, and stains on his shirt that tell me he's taking hold of life and not letting go; I like the lived in look. But that's just me.

Thing two:
I've abandoned Zora Neale Hurston's autobiography for Suzanne Collins' Catching Fire. I know, I know. So pedestrian. How could I possibly exchange caviar for cheese fries? But sometimes a girl's just gotta have some easy reading. Before you throw me to the brain-candy-reading gods, rest assured that I look forward to getting back to Hurston's book soon!

Thing three:

At least once a day, Moo asks (very nicely, I might add) to vacuum the floors. Let's just say my floors have never been so clean. Well, maybe not clean since I still hate to mop. But at least my floors are dirt-free, which works out pretty well considering some of every meal ends up on the floor these days. The best part: he has an absolute MELTDOWN when we have to stop. Biggest fit he ever throws, biggest tears he ever sheds. Over the vacuum. Poor kid needs a playmate. 

Thing extra: 

Did I tell you about the day Moo refused to take off the hat Phil got him from Ecuador? He even ate dinner in it and cried, cried, cried when he took it off and couldn't get it back on. Hilarious! Phil decided to join in the hat craze fun: