WOAH my goodness.

It's like I've been running a 10-minute mile for the past two years, on fairly flat terrain. And now. Y'all, I'm out of shape. Now it's the same race, but someone just told me that I need to run it faster and do all kinds of crazy hills and I. Feel. Winded.

BUT. It's a good kind of winded. The pushing-yourself-beyond-what-you-think-you-can-do kind of good. The I'm-stronger-than-I-think kind of good. The this-is-so-very-worth-it kind of good.

That's what having two kids under two has been like for me. I've decided a few things in the last couple of weeks, the first being that I will probably write only in bullet points from here on out since that's about all I have time for, so here are a few thoughts from the first three weeks with two under two:

• Someone will need me 99% of the day. Someone will be crying 50% of the day. I will change an average of 15 diapers a day. I will average 5 hours of sleep a day...interrupted. It will all be fine. Really. God gives what we need for each moment, and it's enough.
• I either going to gain a bunch of weight from eating convenience food on the go all day, or lose a lot of weight because after feeding all the chicks, this mama bird might not have time to feed herself. Hopefully, it's neither of those scenarios, but you get the idea: time to eat is limited, distracted, and almost always coupled with at least one other task.
• Speaking of multi-tasking, it IS possible to nurse, feed a toddler, and feed yourself at the same time. Booyah.
• I've stopped washing my hair every day. Do the math: faster shower = more time to sleep. No-brainer. The old me would say that was gross, even though I know all the salon people out there say it's actually better for your hair to wash it less often. I liked the smell and feel of clean hair every day. But dry shampoo is awesome. And fast.
  
• Speaking of sleep, Noodle is actually a great sleeper, but she's still a newborn, so my sleep is clearly interrupted and brief. But I've started seeing all 24 hours of the day as viable time to sleep, which has made being up at weird times more bearable. Up from 1-2 a.m.? No problem. I can go to bed at 7:30 p.m. if I want to. My goal is to get at least 5 hours of sleep cumulatively in a 24-hour period. While it's not optimal sleep, it's what I've determined is functional for me. So far, I'm meeting my goal every day, and usually exceeding it a little.

On to the good stuff that doesn't need a bullet point: I LOVE MY KIDS. I love the plural of that word "kids." I love watching them together. I love that God has entrusted them to me and that we will know the goodbadugly about each other because we are family and that we'll still love each other anyway. 

A friend recently described her life with her three boys as "full," not busy, and I love that. My life is full. Full of life and challenges and joys and laughter and problem-solving and wiping tears and butts and planning and exhaustion and sheer over-the-moon amazement that this full, full life has been given to me. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm grateful. I can make all the funny/whiny comments I want about life with littles, but really I'm just thankful, and those other things are just the stuff of a full life.  

Moo brought Noodle a stick of her very own. :)

A letter to my life-with-an-infant self

Dear October 2013 Cara,

I'm writing to you now on a full night of uninterrupted sleep, so you can trust what I'm about to say. It's real.

• The infant stage is only a season; there will be an end and it is not forever away like you think it is. You will sleep through the night again. You will get your body back. You will stop hurting. You will be able to drink coffee again. You won't have to nurse every 2-3 hours forever. You won't be intimately familiar with your kitchen at 4 a.m. as you pace with a crying baby. You won't always change 12 diapers a day. These things are not forever. Six weeks, eight weeks, four months--whatever. It's not forever, girl, so hang in there.
• You might feel crazy. That's okay. You aren't sleeping much, and I'm pretty sure soldiers use that as a torture method for POWs, so it's okay to feel crazy. Just let that one go.
• Just because you had post-partum depression, mastitis, bronchitis, pink eye, laryngitis, and trouble nursing last pregnancy doesn't mean it'll happen again this time. Chill out a little. Take each moment as it comes. If you're supposed to have all the "itis-es" again, you will and you'll make it. Not much you can do about it.
• Giving Moo less attention than you used to doesn't mean you're a bad mom or that he'll need therapy one day. In fact, giving him a sibling and teaching him how to share you are some of the greatest gifts you can offer him. Kids are resilient, and while you want to be all things to all people (especially the little people under your roof), you can't. And that's a good thing because I'm pretty sure God is the only one who can meet all of our (and our children's) needs anyway.
• You're going to have those days when the crap hits the fan, when both kids are crying and hungry and ornery and you just want five minutes alone to take a shower so you can not smell like spit up and it's not going to happen. You're going to wonder how you'll make it through the next 60 seconds, how women throughout history have made it through moments like this without distractions like PBS Kids and iPad games. I want you to know that God is there and near. In those moments. In the dark places. In the overwhelming, I-want-out times. He's there. And He knows you and what you need. 
• Lean into motherhood. Instead of figuring out how you can craft the kids' day around your agenda, be okay with letting some of your list go if it means spending more time with your babes. They're only in your sole care for a few years. Be all there. 

Mother's Day was

perfect. 

A whole day with my two favorite men in the world.

A letter from each of them.

Lots of dark chocolate.

Swedish pancakes made by that handsome man I married.

Church.

Rain.

Sun.

A walk.

Cooking therapy. 

(pasta salad, chicken salad, and these banana-chip oat muffins)

No agenda.

Mother's Day wishes from friends and family.

A son who brings joy indescribable.

A husband who loves me well and long.

A mom and mother-in-law who teach me what good mothering should be.

And a God who directs all these things.

I am blessed.

Christmas and viruses and New Year's--oh my!

You read that right--viruses. Plural. As in today was the first day in three weeks that I have not had to take medicine for something. First it was mastitis, then pink eye, then a GI bug the day after Christmas that had the entire Johnson clan down for the count, and then laryngitis the day after that.

Thankfully, I'm on the mend except for a lingering cough and a very scratchy sultry sounding voice. Sigh. 

Apart from the virus attack, our Christmas was fantastic, spent with both sides of the family. Lots of laughter, good food, traveling, and general good cheer, as it should be. Best of all, Phil was off for five days straight. I'm considering a petition for our country to give both parents paid leave at the same time when a child is born. So. much. easier. And Moo does love his daddy!

Speaking of Moo, he has some new tricks now that he's 6 weeks old and all:

• smiling
• cooing
• sucking his thumb
• making a motorboat sound (I'm pretty sure this is on accident, but it's still pretty cute)

See him all grown up in his Christmas outfit? This is his "Yes ma'am?" face. As in, I just called his name and he said, "Yes ma'am?" That's what I'd like to think, at least.

And my most recent favorite picture of him:

Don't you just love those dimples?

Since Daddy is on call, that little handsome and I will be ringing in the new year together--hopefully by sleeping peacefully through it. :) New Year's resolution(s) to come...

Advice

A friend recently asked me if I had any parenting/baby advice (good or bad) to pass along since she's due with her first in a few weeks. Prior to having a child, I would have been replete with advice, but now I'm reluctant to give it. Every kid is different. Every family has its own challenges and circumstances.

So here's my advice--two things:

ONE: Let yourself be human. In other words, let yourself NOT have all the answers, not have all your ducks in a row, not have everything in your life "together." The first weeks after having a baby is not about having things together; it's about admitting that you don't and getting help when you need it. I'm learning this one still. Learning that it's okay if I don't have time to put my contacts in AND people are coming over, okay if my carpets are dirty a little longer than I'd like for them to be, okay if my clothes don't fit quite right yet. These things are simply HUMAN. No room to judge because, let's be honest: who really has all their "stuff" together?

TWO: Look to the good. Every stage of parenting has its challenges and blessings, and in the midst of sleep deprivation, spit-up, not getting anything (not even a smile!) in return, eating struggles, infections, and whatever else might come your way,  it's easy to focus on the challenges instead of the blessings. I'm learning to focus on the good--on the sleeping baby on my shoulder, on the sweet noises he makes when he eats, on how healthy he is, on the marvel that is the washing machine. Looking to the good makes for such a more joyful life, and that's the one I want to lead.

So, that's it. That's all I've got. Take it or leave it.

Aaaaand, I'm back!

Let me introduce you to my favorite little guy on the planet:

For privacy purposes, we'll call him "Moo," but let's just say that Phil & I are absolutely in love with his name and what it means. 

He made his debut on November 16, weighing in at a whopping 8 lbs., 1 oz., and measuring 22 inches long! As my grandfather would say, "He's a long drink of water." Love those sayings, don't you?

Since then, we've had our ups and downs, but we're figuring this whole parent-kid thing out and it's pretty incredible. 

AND guess what's back??

That's right, my ankles are back! (Please ignore the lovely spider veins, sock imprints, unpainted toenails, and random scrape). And my rings fit me again. Ah, the little joys! Remember these?

Adios!

Little Moo doesn't like to take very long naps during the day, so when I do have the spare 20-40 minutes while he's down, I'm deciding whether to:

• Get dressed
• Eat a meal
• Take a nap
• Get the mail/load the dishwasher/start laundry/or any other household chore

You can see why "blogging" hasn't quite made it to the top of the list. But I have a bunch of posts up in the 'ole noggin, so be on the lookout!

 Until then, here are a few more pictures to leave you drooling over:

Belated BIG news!

I was on vacation last week, which, for me, means vacation from blogging too, so I'm officially back now and it's time to catch up on some really big things!

Really big thing #1: We're pregnant & just found out this week that we're having a boy! "Most definitely a boy," according to the sonographer. :) Glad it was clear, and it dispelled any irrational fears that our child would be a hermaphrodite. We all have those irrational fears. That was (one of) mine. The ultrasound was amazing, though. Seeing him move around (he's very active), suck his thumb (or pick his nose...it was kind of hard to tell), and have a healthy report made him so much more real to us and we were all smiles leaving the room. 

Here are a couple of 4-D shots of him from the ultrasound. Makes it hard to wait to meet him!

Top right is his head w/ eyes, nose, & mouth. Not sure where his hands ended up, but I promise he has arms & hands somewhere too! Phil says it looks like his baby pictures. If so, we're in luck because he was one cute baby!

His boxer pose (and evidence of his arms and hands)! Check out his little foot too!

You might be wondering: why is Cara just now blogging about this really huge thing in her life when she's already halfway through her pregnancy? Good question. I have several answers for you. 

• Pregnancy is overtly public and intensely personal at the same time. Most of the thoughts I have about being pregnant and being a mom I'm writing in my pen-and-paper journal, for my eyes only. It's just too deep and too intimate to include in a blog like this for the world to see. 
• The purpose of this blog was to help me write more frequently and to give me an audience (a.k.a. a little motivation to write), and I want to guard against this becoming a blog exclusively about my son. While I'll love him fiercely and will probably want to write about him all the time, I really want to preserve the varied nature of this blog, so you'll probably see frequent posts about him, but not exclusive posts about him. (Disclaimer: for those of you who blog exclusively or often about your children, I think that's wonderful and I love reading about your kids and what you're doing! Keep it up! Also, I may find blogging about my child irresistible once he's in the world, so I'm not making any promises, just sharing my intentions).
• I honestly couldn't figure out a way to put "We're pregnant" into what I'll call "writer words." In other words, "We're pregnant" sounded too boring for the miracle and mystery of new life, so I was paralyzed as a writer, copped out, and wrote nothing.

On to what you really want to know:

• Due date: 11/11/11 (best. due date. ever.)
• Yes, I'm showing, but not that much. Since people have a strange curiosity about preggy pics, I'll include one here, but it's not that exciting. Promise.
• Names: We have no idea, but when we do, we won't share it until he's born. We're open to suggestions, though, so bring 'em on!

Oh, and here's what my mom gave Phil & me for Mother's Day and Father's Day. We were thinking about wearing them on a date soon to see if we can get a free dinner out of it. :) 

Really big thing #2 coming later...