One Thing

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I'm addicted to productivity. For over a week, we were either without Internet or without wireless, and today we got it all back. All day I thought about how I could watch a show on hulu from my couch again, and true to form, tonight, my little productivity demon feasted as I simultaneously returned emails, worked on a NYTimes crossword, and had a conversation with an old friend on Facebook (after watching an episode of New Girl). On my couch. Ironic, right? Because I wasn't really doing anything. But I do love some good multi-tasking. A little too much.

On top of being a productivity addict, I'm also a planner. If I could, I'd plan every second of every day right now, although I know at the end of it, I'd be bored because I wouldn't have anything else to plan. 

Enter motherhood.

Motherhood, where productivity looks totally different, if it's existent at all. Daily, I have to stop what I'm doing (dishes, laundry, whatever's on my "plan" for the day) and let it go so I'm more present with Moo. And I fight it every. single. day. 

Motherhood, where plan A rarely happens. After 31 years, you'd think I'd be okay with plans B, C, D, and Z, but no, no. I go into an internal (if not external) tizzy when plan A--MY plan--doesn't work out. Reality check: plan A is a myth. Embrace it, girl.

Since I've been a stay-at-home mom, God's provided me with outlets for my gifts and goals for me to work toward. I've been able to edit blogs, be on a search committee, tutor elementary kids in reading, and been present for friends in need. It's all been very good and rewarding, but I'm also realizing that it's become an idol because now I'm in a stage where I don't see what the next thing is outside of being at home with Moo. I don't see the outlets, and that leaves me feeling trapped--suffocated, even. It's not that I don't want to be home with him; it's that if I'm honest, I don't feel "productive" unless I'm doing something in addition to investing in him. I know that's a complete lie, that investing in him is completely productive and worthwhile in a long-term and eternal sort of way. But it doesn't feel that way and I'm fighting to believe the truth. 

Of course, I know it's good to have outlets for myself and not let motherhood entirely consume me. I'm not an idiot. But I do think that having a season of just pouring into my child and not necessarily doing anything else is okay, and even good for someone like me who really can't stand the thought of only doing one thing at a time. I recently read a blog post by Sally Clarkson where she said that if she could just do ONE THING well, she would love Jesus well and love Him in a way that her children would see it. If nothing other than that happened in her day, it was worthwhile and productive. I want that ONE THING mindset. I need it.